John Mulaney Fights Back Against Bullies | Netflix Is A Joke

Published by Jan Heaney on

John Mulaney Fights Back Against Bullies | Netflix Is A Joke


– When I was in grade school I was bullied for being Asian American, and the biggest problem with that, is that I am not Asian American. (audience laughs) But when I was younger and
this is absolutely true, people thought that I
might be Asian American. I have pretty thin eyes. I had very thin eyes
when I was a little kid and I had straight black hair
that I wore in a bowl cut, and from the ages of three
to eight people thought that I might be a young Chinese person. (audience laughs) On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend, he met me the first day of kindergarten, he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” (audience laughs) And that was me. Kids would make fun of
me in middle School. Kids would call me a Chinaman, which of the racial slurs
has gotta be the laziest. That is just pushing two words together. No work was done there. (audience laughs) It was very confusing to
me ’cause I’m not Chinese. No one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes
off when we come inside but that was more of a carpeting
thing than anything else. (audience laughs) Here’s how bad it got though. I remember when I was
in junior high we had this music appreciation class
that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear
some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there’s a moment where they bang a gong and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in
front of me would stand up, turn to me and bow like that. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) Which is some racist ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated, for a group of 13 year olds. 13 year olds are the
meanest people in the world. (audience laughs) They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at three p.m. and I see a group of eighth graders on
one side of the street, I will cross to the
other side of the street because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing
that you don’t like about you. (audience laughs) They don’t even need to
look at you for long. They’ll just be like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. “Hey look at that high waisted man. “He got feminine hips.” And I’m like no, that’s the
thing I’m sensitive about! (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) When I was a boy I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone because before I went through puberty I had a voice like a little flute. (audience laughs) I was once on the telephone
with Blockbuster Video which is a very old fashioned sentence. (audience laughs) It is. I was on the telephone
with Blockbuster Video. That’s like when your
grandma would be like, “We’d all go play jacks
down at the soda fountain.” You’re like no one knows what you’re talking about you idiot. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) You know how you talk to your grandma? So– (audience laughs) I was on the phone with Blockbuster. I’d called them a couple
of times in one day to ask about a movie and
I called for a third time. I said, hey yeah. I was just callin’ to see if you had “Addams Family Values” yet? And the guy at Blockbuster went, “Hey lady? “I’ll tell ya when we get
“Addams Family Values.” But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady. I was offended as a lady who
was gettin’ pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at Blockbuster Video talkin’
to me like I’m some floozy. I am a proud Asian American woman, and you will treat me with respect. (audience laughs)
(audience applauding) I am a tiger mom. (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)


100 Comments

Donald Hickey · October 2, 2019 at 6:01 pm

why would you give this a thumbs down are you a bully? Did you even watch it?

Erick Chavarria · October 2, 2019 at 7:02 pm

Bullshit

amelia walker · October 2, 2019 at 7:30 pm

“13 year olds are the worst.”
Wow, thanks John.
I wanted to hear that from one of my heroes!

Wuft Chan · October 2, 2019 at 8:10 pm

I got bullied and I legit told the kids that did it  "i don't give a fuck about you" XD

ongama matshoba · October 2, 2019 at 8:16 pm

I thought he sounded familiar and then realised he's the voice of Andrew from Big Mouth

Justin S · October 2, 2019 at 8:17 pm

It's nice watching a comedian who doesn't whine about "cancel culture" because he's actually funny and constantly evolving. He'll never get that Joe Rogan invite, though.

Amalia Hokualohilani Aiko Pereira Ito · October 2, 2019 at 8:38 pm

Y’all this white man is a proud Asian American woman 😂

Andre Vrdoljak · October 2, 2019 at 8:52 pm

I still get called ma’am over the phone all the time and I’m a grown up. And I don’t even have I high pitched voice.

SideOrderOfFries · October 2, 2019 at 9:42 pm

I’m so proud of John coming out as an Asian-American Woman after all of the torment and hardships he’s undergone. What an amazing role model

Andrea Deleon · October 2, 2019 at 10:06 pm

This is such a great bit 😂

Kira F · October 2, 2019 at 10:48 pm

HAHAHAHA HAHAHA look at that high waisted man he got feminine hips!

Olivia M · October 2, 2019 at 11:07 pm

His 8th graders voice is the same as his Ice T voice 💀

Marinelife7 · October 2, 2019 at 11:38 pm

He 100% looks half Asian at least

David Edos · October 2, 2019 at 11:44 pm

He is literally the flash doing Stand Up

Lorelei Darling · October 3, 2019 at 12:27 am

Netflix needs MORE JOHN MULANY

Victor H · October 3, 2019 at 12:40 am

China man joke is Norm MacDonald's joke…let me guess … parallel thinking??

Micah Mcgaffin · October 3, 2019 at 1:01 am

Hes used all of these jokes for yrs. Apparently no new material.

Jenn12141983 · October 3, 2019 at 1:21 am

My husband teaches 8th graders and I can confirm this is true 😄

quack whore · October 3, 2019 at 2:05 am

Hes really brilliant

BlueIsSuperior · October 3, 2019 at 3:14 am

Wtfff he's like a clean Brandon Rodgers

Kayla Collins · October 3, 2019 at 3:20 am

My coworker made a fake profile on OkCupid years ago using my picture to catfish her own boyfriend. She claimed I was "Caucasian/Asian"
1.)WHY?
2.)HOW? And WHY?

Samurai · October 3, 2019 at 3:48 am

All i hear is spider han

Alex Huang · October 3, 2019 at 4:09 am

He sounds like Andrew from Big Mouth

zlBrittanylz · October 3, 2019 at 4:20 am

My little brother is 13 and I can confirm he is the meanest most inconsiderate child I have ever encountered

Hazel eyes Isla · October 3, 2019 at 5:22 am

Us 13 year olds are a scary species

I am a flaming Homosexual, but · October 3, 2019 at 6:38 am

Ohhh high-waisted not High/Wasted

GingerKing243 · October 3, 2019 at 7:16 am

All of that build up and backstory to make that one line at the end work. Incredible

Charlie Chuckleberry · October 3, 2019 at 8:04 am

Nah, Dave Chappelle is a billion times better.

iWaBa FET · October 3, 2019 at 9:20 am

"fights back against bullies" since when

0202 pmurT · October 3, 2019 at 10:25 am

Bowl cut….. racist

Jasta Ykotuce · October 3, 2019 at 11:55 am

its soo weird i never saw him as asian looking

Mooch · October 3, 2019 at 12:08 pm

That's some funny shit!

Maki the Weirdo · October 3, 2019 at 12:38 pm

Who the heck would bully an adorable Asian baby boi???

Knife Dreamer · October 3, 2019 at 12:46 pm

This guy is so fucking corny lol

Hani Hassan · October 3, 2019 at 1:20 pm

Tiger mom 🤣🤣🤣

Colin Richaur · October 3, 2019 at 1:27 pm

Wow to no surprise this bitch is not funny

Arabian Deyo · October 3, 2019 at 5:01 pm

Hilarious! I can identify with him. I am Chinese, African, and Cherokee and was told continuously by teachers and nurses that my mom isn't my mom. They always asked if I was kidnapped or lost? Ellis Island trips sucked because the Chinese and Japanese visitors would take pictures of me and the Statue of Liberty. Wtf! All the money I should have made back then.

T Reasons · October 3, 2019 at 6:41 pm

Sure, he used to get mistaken for an Asian American as a kid. But does he currently get mistaken for a television host from some overly cheerful 1960s daytime show? Seriously, if someone told me he was a time traveller from that era, I would believe it.

albino shamrock · October 3, 2019 at 6:44 pm

From the get-go I knew I was never going to make friends in school. This one time we were playing kickball, and I totally Charlie Brown'ed it. I missed my kick and my whole body did that cartooney horizontal thing that makes kids laugh when they see it – or in this case, about 20 of my classmates and a nearby teacher, laughing in thunderous harmony. I know all about the evil in the hearts of thirteen year-olds. My only friend growing up was the voice of Morgan Freeman, reminding me to get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

Dessire Dessire · October 3, 2019 at 10:03 pm

Woah look at that tall child

Kristijan Petrovski · October 3, 2019 at 10:19 pm

PC comedy… wow… this wad is terrible…

coca1019 · October 3, 2019 at 10:53 pm

Oop um I'm turning 13 tomorrow

imanni faulkner · October 4, 2019 at 12:36 am

What's a soda fountain?

Marianne Contrino · October 4, 2019 at 2:20 am

"Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world." As a seventh grade teacher, I can confirm that is absolutely true, and yet I go back for more, year after year. Guess it says more about me, then it does them.

god563616 · October 4, 2019 at 3:01 am

This was good

Andy Biehl · October 4, 2019 at 3:05 am

I was working at a basketball camp when this thirteen year old kid started mocking me for having "grandpa legs," whatever the hell that means

Helena · October 4, 2019 at 3:24 am

I mean, when I was in elementary school I was called Chinese girl, which is quite similar to Chinaman. 8 year olds aren’t very creative with their racial slurs it seems.😂

Unato Mikuba · October 4, 2019 at 4:47 am

I thought he said "high, wasted man" at first and was surprised at how precociously perceptive these pubescent pupils were 😅

Grace P · October 4, 2019 at 6:04 am

That punchline 😂😂

Pete Myers · October 4, 2019 at 6:52 am

I would still bully this cunt

quirky mermaid28 · October 4, 2019 at 11:13 am

I have just seen Joker last night and watching stand up comedy will never be the same for me

no no · October 4, 2019 at 4:52 pm

1:43 i guess you can say… teenagers scare the living shit out of him.

malcolm adderley · October 4, 2019 at 5:25 pm

WITH THAT PINOCCHIO SUIT, HE SHOULD DUNK HIS "STYLIST" IN THE TOILET!!!!!!

Lucy Roberts · October 4, 2019 at 5:29 pm

I'll Never Get Over The Fact That He Talks In Capitals

CRIMSON-ARES · October 4, 2019 at 7:33 pm

Anyone else also think that he look like he could play the flash.

Mommy Peanut · October 4, 2019 at 8:43 pm

I also got made fun of in jr high for being "Chinese" cuz I have small eyes
Kids are fuckin dumb

Turtle Invasion · October 4, 2019 at 11:48 pm

I'd love to see John Mulaney as the Joker,I don't know why

DisneyGeek 8477 · October 5, 2019 at 2:12 am

As a person who watches Netflix constantly, all I heard was Andrew from Big Mouth calling himself a tiger mom.😂😂😂😂

Hakkyou13 · October 5, 2019 at 2:38 am

John Mulaney’s great

Nishant Jayant Gilatar · October 5, 2019 at 3:25 am

I've heard his kid voice in some cartoon and I can't figure out which URGH

Anime Lover4life · October 5, 2019 at 3:30 am

China-man

Sounds like a movie

Jason Andre · October 5, 2019 at 4:11 am

Incredibly unfunny

richietozier · October 5, 2019 at 4:29 am

to those who are offended: shut up and sit your ass down. if comedy didnt be offensive or didnt try to offend it would be boring as hell

Fluffy Suga Kookies · October 5, 2019 at 4:56 am

"I am a proud Asian-American woman and you will treat me with Respect!"

Tadssy · October 5, 2019 at 1:26 pm

Damn, Drew Gooden has some great material.

tisi patterson · October 5, 2019 at 4:41 pm

i didn’t know peter porker was an asian american woman

ChillYourCoffee · October 5, 2019 at 5:10 pm

Jesus, I'm turning 13 next year and now I'm not looking forward to it anymore. ;-;

luna amazonia · October 5, 2019 at 9:15 pm

John Malaney; 13 year olds are mean
Me; Not too much. II just turned 13 now not too much on me

mason farnsworth · October 5, 2019 at 10:05 pm

"I am a tiger mom" what a punch line!! LOL

rsacode · October 6, 2019 at 2:32 am

my german friend lived in ohio as a kid for 1 year, and everytime she entered a class in junior high, her entire class would raise their arm and say Hiel Hitler. I didn't believe her for a minute – because there is no way an entire class could be so awful. But yes, American kids are so afraid of standing out, they don't care who is scarred for life.

Yankarlo Chavez · October 6, 2019 at 6:38 am

Shit and I thought I was the only one who was somewhat confused for being Asian Mexican. Long story short my name. It has the stereotype Asian names and a Mexican name. And what sucked about it was I ate rice a majority of my life so it made it even worse for me

Im not joking that was my life up until 6th grade 😂

SceptusDraws S · October 6, 2019 at 7:40 am

He looks like grant gustin

Branon Fontaine · October 6, 2019 at 8:03 am

When I was 13, I witnessed an 8th grader, who was a mexican dude bigger than I was, picking on the kid who I now recognize was Autistic, we thought he was "slow" or "odd" back in 1986, and I didn't like it….so I proceeded to smash his fat face into the ground so bad that his parents sued and my parents had to pay his dental bills, I was kicked out of that junior high school, suspended for a month, and earned myself a reputation that made every punk with a chip on his shoulder try and test me til I graduated high school in 1991….I hate bullies, so I made an example out of that dude and many more afterward….

Emly N · October 6, 2019 at 1:59 pm

I guess you could say that teenagers scare the living shit out of him

ErinCannySpell · October 6, 2019 at 2:43 pm

I guess teenagers scare the living shit out of him

Belen Diaz · October 6, 2019 at 9:51 pm

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA se mamo

Adnama Fett · October 6, 2019 at 10:47 pm

It’s so weird because sometimes he’s like this and then he has stories where he’s blackout drunk starting fights over lsd or some shit like it’s no big deal

Positive Toxicity · October 7, 2019 at 2:26 am

Bruh if a buncha 13 year olds turned around and bowed to me, I’d consider myself an Alpha

Charles Jackson · October 7, 2019 at 7:23 am

When I was 13, a fellow 13 year old decided the perfect way to end an argument and him having the last word/best insult was saying “AT LEAST IM NOT A GAY KOREAN”

Listen, he was half right about the gay thing but also… I’m literally Métis (half Native American, half white)

Everybody’s favourite insult was always and still is “Where do your eyes go when you smile?” And I can’t really even be mad at that cuz it’s so accurate 😂

Hollow_Knight · October 8, 2019 at 7:06 pm

I love this Asian American comedian.

Aaron Johnson · October 8, 2019 at 10:58 pm

If this were an anime he'd be a perfect asian Lmao

Luna the wolf · October 9, 2019 at 12:18 am

When I first saw this video I was in 8th grade and now I’m in 10th 😂😂 time does fly but I gotta admit we were kinda scary

Syd Story · October 9, 2019 at 12:45 am

I was so excited for new John mulaney content I feel cheated

Lolllipop Amandalah · October 9, 2019 at 2:47 am

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Peaches Gacha Grove · October 9, 2019 at 9:11 am

the confusion with genders hit close

Hector · October 9, 2019 at 5:45 pm

andrew glouberman 👌

Ivy YT · October 9, 2019 at 6:12 pm

Yeah, we are.

Peachi33 · October 9, 2019 at 7:31 pm

All of his voices are absolute gold

George Zafiris · October 9, 2019 at 10:59 pm

Oh, Flash does stand up too.

Eons Infinity · October 10, 2019 at 4:35 am

PUBERT! THEY NAMED THEIR KID PUBERT!

Jack · October 10, 2019 at 5:02 am

John mulaney talks about how he’s 3/4 gay, but actually straight. I SWEAR he stole my gay body in heaven!!! I mean cmon why can’t I have fem hips?!?!

Madeline Aguialr · October 10, 2019 at 11:22 am

I’m so glad there’s some representation for Asian American women in comedy

Pippa Nath · October 10, 2019 at 9:24 pm

His voice is sooo distracting, I've heard him voice acting so many roles

… Usually weak minded and moldable roles, but lead roles none the less

Fatima L · October 10, 2019 at 10:50 pm

'I was on the telephone with blockbuster video which is a very old fashioned statement'

skydragonroar fire · October 11, 2019 at 3:32 am

This not funny at all even if you were high as a kite. It be wasted of weed

ghost · October 11, 2019 at 10:33 am

I’ve seen all three of his acts on Netflix I don’t know how many times already, but for sure this is one of the bits I know by heart

JustMe 101 · October 11, 2019 at 3:52 pm

Me watching this as a 13 year old

“13 year olds are the meanest people in the world”

bingsta · October 11, 2019 at 9:00 pm

Why does this dude sound like Andrew from Big Mouth

Leo Maker · October 11, 2019 at 10:48 pm

John Mulaney is what Scarlett Johanssan wish she could be

Smol Lights · October 12, 2019 at 1:46 am

Wait, its not normal to take off your shoes when you get home?

Gross

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