Your key slides into the lock, and you turn it to let yourself in. Evan Marc Katz provides a male perspective when coaching women on dating. For the intelligent and independent woman seeking a man of equal stature to stand by her, Evan Marc Katz has some advice - be the CEO of your love life. Being the CEO of your own love life results in a lack of anxiety that makes the entire dating process much more pleasurable. Fourteen years of coaching women means Evan has shattered a lot of myths, including the commonly accepted notion that most relationships are hard work.
While each woman was unique, the story that brought her to him was often similar.
InEvan developed Love Uan online course for women to dive into those similar issues and gain the confidence they need to not only meet men but understand them.
Love U is a six-month video curriculum that includes 30 minutes of content every week. His audience of 9 million readers and 60, email subscribers help keep him going and inspire him to create more resources. Now he helps women realize the power they have to control how men perceive them and what they can do to be a better partner once they find a man worth dating.
Lauren focuses on telling the human side of the story when it comes to discussing all things dating. Her varied interests - from sci-fi to fitness to the Internet - keep her writing fresh and fun while informing DatingAdvice. Women's Dating. Discuss This! Related Topics:. Email email this! When I did check my profile I noticed that I had about a messages the majority of them just one word Hi or one sentence. I can tell that most only wrote me because of my picture, very few have actually read my profile.
Maybe I fit their income, height, and beauty criteria-all of which can be put into your search options without taking the time to read a profile. I mention this because of your comment from earlier to Stacy2 about the type of people contacting others only because of their picture.
I agree with Stacy2 that looks matter more than anything else with online dating even if it is not politically correct to say so. However, I agree with you and Evan that even if being shallow is human nature, we should still want someone who is trying to be more and is looking for me though I think even the most shallow people honestly believe that they are not shallow.
I just wanted to acknowledge your point from earlier but to also say that my advice my not be the best when it comes to online dating or texting since I rarely text. Tell him why but cut him off.
Marika you are incredibly smart that is the impression that I gather from reading your comments so you know that the dynamic that you allow to be set up in the beginning of the relationship will be the script that will play out thorough the entire thing. You can do both you know. You can keep his interest, let him know that you desire him while not succumbing to the need to send sexual text. The author speaks about the different types of flirting and each type has different levels.
Talking about sex or sending sexual messages she never considered flirting because it took away all the anticipation and left nothing to the imagination. Flirting is about showing interest and it is about creating, building, and maintaining attraction. It is not always subtle but it is always classy. I am not a natural flirt so I needed a book like this to teach me how to, maybe you can also check out your local library on flirting.
Because according the the author, being seen as desirable is very important, you have to give them a reason to want to flirt with you and keep coming back for more.
Come off as too mental and you are only seen as just a fun friend; come off as too physical and you are only seen as just a person who is looking for sex and not a relationship. She the author focused a lot of what to wear, how to wear it, how to smell, how to walk, how to talk, how to lean in, what to say in certain situations and how to say it, etc.
To me that will probably be your best way to flirt over text. Okay I am not a good at flirting but fortunately according to research it is not about what you say it is about the tone and the way you say it. If a person likes you they will flirt back and forth, joking, teasing, etc. All without the need for sexting.
By the way, since you both are adults, you can still talk about sexual things, just not in a crass way and only when you feel comfortable enough to do it. However, I would suggest only talking about such subjects when you have already established your character with him.
If he knows you are not the type of woman that talks about sex or has sex without a level of trust and commitment first, then he will not read to much into it when you and he talk about more sexually charged topics.
Without this becoming a lecture on geo-politics, being a large, relatively sparsely populated, and isolated developed country, a lot of people travel regularly for work, pleasure etc. So while this question may seem obscure, this issue comes up a bit. Please do not give up on online dating or become discouraged. You also seem incredibly intelligent, thoughtful, mature and a great catch. Stick to the people with substance, who are also attractive to you.
I have dated online off and on for a few years, finding a LTR relatively quickly every time.
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But two points:. Time and energy are valuable resources do want to use mine wisely. Let them go! I have noticed that these two types of women remain on dating sites for a long time. FemiType 4 women drive me insane.
What is so difficult about telling the guy that you are into him, but do not want to be his sexting buddy? The worst thing that can happen is that he balks and walks away.
If he does walk away, he was not that into you. I personally lose interest in a woman as more than a sexual plaything if she starts to sext me. I remember the first a woman I met on online who sent unsolicited nude photos. I had heard of the infamous photos that guys send, but I never thought that a woman would do it in a million years. We scheduled to meet for a drink on Friday evening. I told her that I was going to the gym before our date, and she said that she would send something for me to view when I was done working out.
I picked up my phone, and there was a photo spread of my date completely nude. I stared at my phone in disbelief. I was recently separated after having been out of the dating pool for almost two decades at that point in time.
However, I have received unsolicited nude photos from several women since receiving the initial set. Girls online dates too long, lots of options, but she avoids commitment and just has fun.
Takes sexy pics for someone, but it dosent hash out. She starts sending same pics to other guys that she likes. Hi YAG. To be completely honest, I do not see the point of sexting.
A major problem with sexting is that it makes a person vulnerable to exploitation, especially when it comes to exchanging nude photos. I prefer to leave no electronic trace of the most intimate part of my life. However, then again, I worked at the National Security Agency as member of the Naval Security Group and the Central Security Service when I was in the Navy; therefore, I am more cautious than the average person when it comes to electronically transmitted data.
YAG: Thanks for your input. My bf once tried to talk me into it, but like u I think the cons may outweigh the benefits. Thanks again! In which case I offer my sincere apologies.
Can I scratch my last comment and reset relations? Several of your comments made me laugh yesterday. The in this case not so much. I agree, by the way. I can only imagine it would give her quite a chuckle to share with her friends. Can you imagine? It was so so. What do I know? Sometime I think we are all in such a rush to get our points across on here that we forget or are too lazy to add the small details to our comments. I mean really, if you spent every minute after the first 3 just waiting for the date to be over, would you really be that upset if that person ghosted on you?
Now take the same scenario and say that you really liked the person, then of course you would be upset if they ghosted on you. Is the onus on me to be a mind reader or is it on him to be honest? To me, this is clear user behavior. Whereas, women, most anyway, have no desire to hurt a man or lead him on. Most men looking for sex from women have no desire to hurt those women, either.
In most cases, the guy believes the woman when she says she is okay with NSA sex. Also, the only reason most men actively initiate any kind of interaction with women is because they, at the very least, want to have sex with them if not a relationship. I believe a solid percentage of women know this. Bravo, Chance. No hypocrisy here, Evan. I knew this argument was coming. There is absolutely zero hypocrisy in my stance.
And who is the only hypocrite on here, Chance? Callie, Emily, and I are all in agreement. Oh, so on top of all of this she needs to read your mind.
Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz, your personal trainer for love, offers dating advice for women and men and personal dating coaching. I got professional pictures, wrote a great profile based off of Evan's template, and created a uniquely humorous user name but since creating my profile a little over a month ago I have only been back online once to check it and that was a about 2 days ago (maybe I am still not completely ready to date). Evan Marc Katz is termed as "the dating coach for smart, strong, successful women." He has been working in the online dating world since , and has a broad range of experience in helping singles improve their online dating experience.
I find that disconcerting, too. No one has spoken out against that behavior, except for the women posters.
Bad Dating Advice - A Response to Evan Marc Katz
What are the odds that they will? Even though we all agree that adults are responsible for their own choices, I suspect that in this particular area that a lot dare I say, most? My cousin was dating a woman for a couple of months that he referred to as a stage 3 clinger. So, apparently, he courted her, started a sexual relationship with her, and was then irritated that she was acting more like a girlfriend instead of a FWB.
So should she have clarified what she wanted? Should he have considered the possibility that if you take a woman out regularly, call and text her regularly, and then start a sexual relationship that she might misunderstand your intentions?
But, men are not willing to admit that it works to their advantage to play dumb in this area. Because the goal is sex. Dumb and hot! I also think men most men act completely different when wanting a relationship. Right, all the better.
While I refuse to be a part of the FWB situation, I really do feel sorry for women that get hurt in these set ups. I have no sympathy for women stuck in an FWB situation unless the man has overtly lied I. Then grow the hell up and learn to communicate like an adult. Just like the nice guy who hangs around too long in hopes you will see him differently.
I have a male acquaintance who does this. He comes on like a freight train for the first couple of months. Texts, calls, courts constantly. And then pulls way back, wondering why the women think he is their boyfriend.
And also take you time and get to know someone as you are dating him. Be honest with yourselfso you can make good decisions. You have to drive them away for their own benefit. I would say that Group 2 sees individuals as being primarily emotionaland therefore needed to be protected from the consequences of those emotions.
That would be incredibly sexistexcept you also feel that men are too dumb to know what is best for themselves. The people in Group 1 see the Group 2 attitude as patronizing and insulting. The people in Group 2 see the Group 1 attitude as callous, self-serving and manipulative. I know what I want. I know how I feel. I know whether or not a trade-off is best for me.
Evan marc katz dating profile
Even if that other person is my wife. I never said that or implied that. YAG very clearly stated that the man had a knowledge that the woman was more into him than he was into her.
Not that he had no idea she was into him, not that he assumed she was just as chill, or that they had an agreement or whatever. What was stated was that the man KNOWS that the woman has more feelings and takes full advantage of that.
That is literally the only thing to which I have been referring this whole conversation. Because she lacks the information and the knowledge. My issue has only ever been about a situation where one person KNOWS the other one has stronger feelings and decides to take advantage of that for their own ends.
I made it gendered because I was replying to someone explaining that this is a thing men do to women, but honestly I believe this can happen to all genders quite frankly. And I totally agree, we need to protect ourselves as best we can from users and takers. I think both are required personally. If he calls her occasionally and treats her the way he treats his other friends, the woman has no reason to believe he is into her. Many women pretend not to know because they like the validation.
Every man has seen it, many have experienced it. It is that situation that, I think, the guys here are referring to when they write that women should know. I think the other ladies and I have experienced the first type of friendship you mentioned and at some point it started creeping towards the more involved type friendship or he just comes right out and tells you he cares about you or makes a move or whatever.
So, thank you, for being the only man here to validate us ladies. I no longer have any male friends. Friendly acquaintances, yes. Men I hang out with in groups. Guys I chit chat with at work, but I no longer have any guys I text, call and hang out with one-on-one anymore.
I had three male friends in the last 5 years, and each one of them at some point expressed sexual interest. KK, I hear you. But when you wrote that some of your male friendships started off one way and then veered the other. I wonder if the men saw it that way.
I think that the type of friendships that a lot of women have with their female friends involves far more emotional bonding and mutual valuation than most men are used to with their friends. So much would improve of only the genders understood their differences better.
The thoughts that some of the male commenters have expressed here seem to enforce the belief that women are only valued for sex. When I would ask women for their phone numbers, it was not with the expectation that they would be be in any way replacing my existing platonic friends those two, or any others. Obviously, platonic friends move in and out of our lives.
So if you have a lot of common interests with one of your male friends, he may be friends with you for that reason.
If he had just moved or had another life-altering eventthat may be an impetus. But if other guys want to do it, fine. Yes, because men are never attracted to women who are beneath them in physical attractiveness. A man can enjoy your company, appreciate your many qualities, and still be willing to have sex with you if the opportunity were to present itself.
While the two scenarios do take place, I believe they are both quite rare, and eventually the intimate nature of the friendship fizzles out. Yes, it does. Hi Shaukat, I appreciate you clarifying things. To state the obvious: men are interested in sex first, and then over time, a woman must demonstrate what she offers beyond sex. I would also agree with your examples of how men can have platonic female friendships. Despite your constant nastiness to the contraryI am neither a liar or lacking in IQ.
I actually agree with you that women get friendzoned all the time too. KK, regarding your 3 pointsI think that sometimes our beliefs are colored the things we fear might be true.
And because they fear those things, they begin to perceive those fears as reality. I want to start by assuring you that the overwhelming majority of men see women as having value as people beyond sexare not uni-dimensional, and treat women as equals.
The reasons why men have trouble being friends with women are the same reasons women have trouble being FWB with men - their priorities are different. He likes all the qualities she has, not just the sexual ones, but ALSO the sexual ones. He wants to be more than friends with her.
Doing so would hamper his moving on - the same way it would for a woman who wants more than just sex with a FWB man. I find that giving the opposite gender the benefit of the doubt often pays dividends. It allows people to see others in a positive light, rather than harbouring fears that lead to theories of objectification that infest the thoughts of extremists on both sides of the divide.
Thank you, Jeremy. I agree with you. My points were in reference to the comments from a few male commenters on here. A man who finds himself in the classic FZ or, more accurately, who puts himself there is often treated just like a boyfriend all the emotional and intellectual benefits minus the sexual component. This is different from just hanging out from time to time, as I made clear. The above is the classic user scenario of the FZ, but there are many shades of gray in between. That guy who comes to cry on your shoulder?
He wants to have sex with you. Actually people are outright dismissing what the other side is saying. Because we are talking about our pain. Because they are talking about something that causes them pain. I say this because as this thread has evolved and we are way off the topic of the original post, LOL! They are just experiencing and labelling their side of the experience differently. Care to elaborate, Tron? You accuse me of thinking that all the grocery store is good for is buying candy.
Your analogy was actually pretty good. You like the sweet stuff but are missing out on the other elements of what makes for a healthy, happy, balanced life. Your choice. I had a man I was completely infatuated with tell me I reminded him of his sister! We had hung out the previous weekend yes, one-on-one and he wanted to hang out again the upcoming weekend.
Sure sounded like being freindzoned to me! Would you use the same language of a woman who only wants friendship? Sex and friendship are equal, valid needs, after all.
Is that not sexism in some form? You do not place any value on women outside of that. If you ever pay attention to the comments, you will see guys saying sexist remarks. Another one said all women are crazy. Another said all women are overly emotional. You get the idea. Some go even further and are pretty hateful regarding the negative nature of women.
I said your comment was intellectually dohonest. Never said you were a liar, either, or that you had a low IQ. This goes for all women and all men who FWB a woman. You have a pattern. Attack, deflect. No one is attacking you, KK. This is an intellectually dishonest statement. You respond directly after I make a comment without naming me, but referencing what I say and insulting anyone who thinks that way.
You use subtlety to attack and insult. My comments on this subject have been perfectly reasonable. Whereas, you are the one who regularly discredits yourself by making blanket judgments against women. Your sexism and underlying hate for women is toxic and unwelcome to the females here. There has been no veering. A pause, to tell you to chill out. Please reference. In the meantime, I accept your apology in advance. The comment was made by ScottH. As usual, this has devolved into extreme pettiness, of which I no longer care to engage in.
I think I made a strong case for my assertions. Apparently, your silence should be seen as agreement. If you choose to start treating me with respect, I will kindly return the favor.
If not, that is your choice and a reflection on you. KK, I chose not to respond to your other assertions because you are making this about the person instead of the subject at hand again. Most women are pretty sharp when it comes to this type of thing and can pick up when a man wants more than just friendship, especially if his behavior fits the classic beta-orbiter profile.
The entire comment actually betrays a fundamental misunderstanding about how men and women think differently in this area. But either be consistent in your worldview like Callie above or recognize your hypocrisy. Seems a tad harsh and unfair. The former I can understand because as a woman I see a ton of my friends foolishly sign up for sex hoping for more. I talked to many of them regularly and we help each other with dating.
By the way, I only tell my male friends to take action with women they sleep with who seem to want more. It must be amazing, being able to vilify something and profit off of it at the same time. When a single guy befriends a single women, the odds that sexual tension is driving him to do so are high. Single guys generally do not seek women as platonic friends. They may seek a women for emotional support in times of emotional distress i.
Women absolutely take advantage of men that they know want to be more than friends. Almost every man past the age of puberty has experienced this situation at least one time in his life. Believe it or not, women also use men who they know want to be more than friends for sex.
I am not proud to admit that it happened to me when I was in my mid-thirties. I was seriously interested in an exclusive situation with a woman I met at work. It turned out that she had a steady guy who she was planning to marry. She told me that she was getting married after a hot and heavy evening. The crazy thing is that she wanted to keep me as a friend-with-benefits after taking her vows it was her second marriage. I did not agree to the arrangement.
To completely honest, the situation left me a bit shell shocked because I had to work with her. When a single woman befriends a single man, there usually is NO sexual tension.
I know that it may be difficult for some woman to grasp, but most single guys do not have true platonic female friends. They are merely women with whom they have not yet had sex. If he believes that women are only good for two things - sex and complaining to, then his thinking is warped beyond help. I have many male friends from over a lifetime of school, work, travel and uni - married, single, gay- all sorts- and I value them. He is an ex for a reason. I will not entertain a relationship with a man who views women as being useless as humans for friendship unless he gets to sleep with her.
What rule is the aggressive guy breaking? He sees something he wants and goes after it. It is a double standard.
I went through a period around age 21 where foolishly I played the game. If a woman does not demonstrate that she wants to be more than friends on the first date, there will be no second date. I agree completely, YAG. My point is that there are no rules. As Evan always points out, dating is not a meritocracy, and often the bolder man gets the girl. Do you ever become friends while in the relationship?
That has never happened for me. Or something in my own mind switches off. A spark is definitely necessary, but equally important is enough general like for the other person.
Both have to be present for me. Are you kidding me? Now, we are being disingenuous. Do you realize that I grew up with all sisters and my children are all female? Women are taught to play games with men from the time that they are able to walk. To truly appreciate the extent to which women are taught to play psychological games with men, all we need to do is compare the size of the dating industry that caters to women with the one that caters to men.
The dating industry that caters to women is huge. The dating industry that caters to men is almost underground, and it primarily exists to teach men how to thwart the games played women.
All other men have to demonstrate persistence and patience. As male posters have pointed out over and over again on this site, everyone is trying to get the best possible partner they can. Thus, no meritocracy. If his market value is high enough with respect to the other men who are interested in a woman. Do yourself a favor and stay away from the woman bashing websites. All it will do is poison your mind.
If I came to the conclusion that all men are pigs, I could certainly come up with enough evidence to support my theory. Or could I?
I could go on The point is you will find evidence to support your beliefs whatever they are. If I truly believed that all men are horrible creatures, I would focus in on every example I see of this and ignore any evidence to the contrary. One thing that is not being acknowledged here is that women get friend-zoned too. However, not every physical relationship turns into a long-term relationship. It is all about chemistry. Chemistry makes smart people do stupid things. The stronger the chemistry, the greater the probability that one will experience a sex-only relationship.
That is why I am always perplexed when women write about the need for chemistry and feeling butterflies in their profiles. If chemistry is felt that strongly, a woman should turn and run away because she is setting herself up for disappointment. Maybe when I was younger? They can be very satisfying. And as I said, I get bored. Physical chemistry is an interesting thing. Sure, some of that is what the person looks, smells, feel like physically.
I have to be hooked on that. Kindness, generosity, emotional availability, maturity. Because some of those people I was wired for? Were not kind people, at least not kind enough for me. I need a little edge, but not too much edge. Emily, not sure I understand the point of your comment. I have said all along that people are responsible for their choices. Feel better now? I was being sarcastic. Thus, the smiley face. It typically happens when women are younger, high school or college aged.
Then there is a situation where a guy befriends the BFF of the girl he really wants as a stepping stone to meet and get to know his fantasy girl. I think that on this comment thread the discussion had been about two absolute situations.
A man with a booty call woman, and a woman with a permanently friend zoned orbiter. IRL things are much messier and really run the gamut. My oldest son is in his early 30s, has been separated for 9 months with the divorce pending, and he has primary custody of his two kids. She said she would move on to find someone who had the same goals as her.
Yet she still calls him. Because situations are fluid and things can change. You can have no intention of getting hooked on someone, yet you do. You can feel all hot and heavy, and then it burns out quickly. People can tell you one thing, but they really want something else, and the real kicker is, they may be in denial about their subconscious motives. And I think that the situations where one of the two is clearly the user and the other the victim are the exception.
The rule is a mix of right and wrong, poor communication, assumptions that should not have been made, and just good or bad luck. My primary issue is when people try to deflect responsibility in these types of situations.
Male or female. Desiring or desired. Most of us in this forum are old enough and experienced enough to realize when these types of situations are forming. Your son had been honest with his lady friend, and she is responsible for protecting herself. Double standard, indeed! An SOS is the result of the exact opposite thing happening, that is, a woman who wants to be more than friends when I am not feeling it. I make my feelings clear.
The discussion originally started because I brought up the fact that men keep SOS women. Callie attempted to shame me for engaging in the behavior. When guys who post to the blog chimed in that women do it too, the place erupted into flames.
There was a futile attempt by female contributors to justify what they do with their orbiters. As strange as it may seem to the women reading this blog, not sleeping with a man who a woman is keeping in her orbit is no better than a man sleeping with an SOS.
I can assure you that it hurts most men so badly when it happens the first time that few allow it to happen a second time. I feel so helpless, I feel just like a kid What is it about you that makes me keep my feelings hid?
It happens to us, too. The guy friend who comes to cry on our shoulder when his girlfriend is being a bitch, or worse when she is making a fool of him by treating him like crap or cheating on him.
Been there, done that! Men friend zone women all the time. Same entitlement mentality, same inability to perspective-take, same lack of a desire for reciprocation. But, Karl R, one thing you wrote made me smile a bit. Some of us aspire to be, but frankly all of us are human and use emotions with post-hoc rationalization to make decisions in the face of uncertainty.
The disciplines of psychology and behavioral economics are all about this, and demonstrate it very eloquently. I encourage men and women to be forthcoming about their intentions once they know them. When I finally broke things off completely because that was in my self-interestthey seemed perfectly fine. The women that I had casually dated were happy for us. But the different weights we place give us a different perspective.
The 3 Things That Make EVERY Man Want to Commit w/ Evan Marc Katz
Very insightful. And I think the whole philosophy may transform Anxious men into Avoidant men. Not exactly a recipe for long-term success. Perhaps I misunderstood what YAG was meaning. There are no rules meaning, yes, another dating candidate can enter the picture and walk away with the prize. Life is too short to take it slowly with a woman who can be taken away at any moment by a more aggressive man, which is why most men prefer to be aggressive from day one.
This discussion leads me to an observation as to why online dating is so difficult. A woman only knows that a man has potential to be more than friends within the first 60 seconds of meeting him. I can tell almost immediately if sex is on the the table.
Men are usually unwilling to invest that much time only to get blown off, so online dating is a game of one-and-done.
And that could be a problem for anyone online dating or irl in that we may end up dismissing people too quickly. That is why a I stated that a woman usually only knows if a guy has potential to be more than friends in the first 60s seconds. He can be physically disqualified during that period.
However, unlike men, physical qualification is not enough. Physical qualification merely opens the door to emotional and intellectual qualification with most women. Men do not qualify a woman emotionally and intellectually before deciding that they want to be more than friends.
It was meant as a joke. The video was recorded tongue-in-cheek. The guy went on to do stand up. The female response was interesting because men generally think that women are crazy and women believe that men are emotionally unavailable. While neither is true, it is an interesting phenomenon. No, Karl. Someone said that friendzoning men is essentially user behavior and someone else said using a woman for sex, knowing she wants more, is the same thing.
Those were the two scenarios being compared. Perhaps I was mistaken, but since it was smack in the middle of the other two points, I assumed that all three points were part of the same discussion.
Whether it was previously discussed or not, it was not part of the conversation that I was engaging in. I have no desire to discuss your third scenario because it goes without saying that two consenting adults are free to engage in any type of friendship or relationship they choose to.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men since Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness - after only a few months of coaching. Funny Female Online Dating Profile Examples that capture attention and describe you through humorous stories Well-known online dating coach Evan Marc Katz shares in his audio/eBook transcript, "Finding the One Online" of the importance of creating a unique profile which highlights you . Evan Marc Katz has 10 years + experience as a Dating Coach. Evan Marc Katz specializes in Dating/Being Single Support and is located in Los Angeles, fireemblemheroestips.com Country: United States.
What I do find interesting, is that many of the male commenters have made the assertion on other posts that men do not develop strong feelings for women until after sex is part of the equation. Yet on this particular post, in regards to being friendzoned, some of those same men are asserting that these situations are extremely painful to the men involved. Kinda blows away that first theory.
Anyway, just an observation. Yet no contradiction exists here - both perspectives are true, but due to different chemical phenomena.
The feelings of longing, desire, and focus are due to dopamine and nor-epinephrine in our brains. Those chemicals are responsible for addiction and obsession and are maintained when desire is un-requited. Whereas the feeling that men get after sex is due to oxytocin - the feeling of bonding and non-sexual love.
So I think that what men feel when experiencing unrequited desire is very different from what they feel when experiencing post-sexual bonding. And I think that what most women WANT men to feel for them is that oxytocin-based feeling - bonding - rather than the hyper-obsessive desire.
So, in your opinion, if a man has a pattern of hopping from one sexual conquest to the next without commitment or very short term relationships with sex being the only goal, would this be a sign of being emotionally damaged due to the inability to bond after sex?
Sorry in advance for a long post, but I think your question merits it. For others, it is securing a desired relationship more common in women than men. Others want a child. And others want novelty. These are the people who lose their sexual desire after being with the same person for more than a little while - and for real dopamine-junkies, they may lose desire after the first time.
They are not necessarily psychologically-damaged - they just have different goals than their partners might have. People whose meta-goal is validation want partners who also feel validated having sex with them.
When a person whose meta-goal is a relationship hooks up with a person whose meta-goal is novelty, lots of hurt feelings ensue - both because of differing goals and because of differing expectations of what the goals of the other should be.
Not so sure about this. To some extent, yes, I believe it could be a personality trait. Maybe not. I think for a lot of us women we only care that our partner has the same sexual meta-goal, as you call it, as us. Best case scenario: A relationship where both people have the same meta-goal.
Dec 10, Evan Marc, I've spent more time talking, writing about, and most importantly DATING in the last two years than anything else. I set up a national Awards scheme, judged over applications across the entire industry and managed to bring an entire industry together in one room. Sep 10, Who is Evan Marc Katz? Online Dating/Relationship Evan Marc Katz proclaims to advise strong, successful, smart women how to understand and connect with men. He boasts over 9 million blog readers, 50K plus newsletter subscribers and 50k plus FB followers/ If it hadn't been for you guys, I'm sure my current wife wouldn't have responded to my e-mail/profile! It was less than a month after e-Cyrano finished helping me that I met my current wife and we have now been very happily married for more than 3 years! Sumner C. I contacted e-Cyrano to revise my online dating profile in
Worst case scenario: Girl meets boy. They date. Her goal is commitment. His is novelty. She lets her wishes be known. He hides his. Problems and hurt feelings ensue. I think the issue where hurt feelings and heartbreak occurs is over dishonesty.
Hi Jeremy, good comment. The more confident men I. OTOH, men who find themselves in the FZ tend to get fixated on one woman, and erroneously believe that it is necessary to establish comfort and rapport with that woman before they become intimate much more likely to happen with younger men. These men often come across as needy and insecure, which women are obviously and almost invariably repulsed by.
I think that, at the end of the day, what matters is that we try to have empathy for others. As long as they are each willing to give the other what they want, a great relationship is possible - especially if their non-sexual goals align. I agree with you that dishonesty is a real problem in relationships - leading another person on with false hope is user behavior, as we discussed earlier. A man whose sexual meta-goal is novelty may have been brought up with the idea that he should marry, and he may internalize that and believe that he wants to be with one woman forever.
He conflates what he wants with what he believes he should want. The man who tells himself he is looking for love and believes himselfbut jumps from woman to woman, losing interest after each sexual encounter. They are not liars or psychopaths, but they are selfish. I do recall that being discussed here before. Wow there seems to be a lot of back and forth here. I have one comment regarding the implication that people have the personal responsibility to step away from someone in a situation where the guy is being friends with hope of something more or the girl is continuing to have sex when the guy is not really wanting to commit.
But in reality is it ever really this clear cut? Hope springs eternal. If you are really in love, or in intense like anyways, you can always come up with a host of reasons how you can win someone over, how their actions somehow really show they careetc. But I would think that most people would try to help her because we are not yet living in an isolationist society where the only person we care about is ourselves.
She explicitly concurred. I then told her that I enjoyed spending time with her more casually. She said she enjoyed that as well. We agreed to keep seeing each other casually. I told the truth. That reminds me of a the joke where a boy scout is telling his scoutmaster how he and five other boys helped an old lady across the street.
My perception is that most people who comment on this blog are reasonably intelligent. Can you give it a rest, please? Your email address will not be published. Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting. And every single woman on your dating site knows.
Hi EvanI have been reading your information regarding how men have to be unique and different when contact women just because of the sheer numbers of contacts they. You provide a reality check and remind me that everyone has doubts and there is no one "normal" response to love and commitment. He was gentle, tough, hugely insightful and extremely accurate at decoding a man's words, his actions, his lack of action, his likely intentions. It was like having a direct line to a man's "private talk.
I can relax and not stress about the future, I'm enjoying the here and now and its so much FUN! You know what a typical dating profile looks like. Hell no! Think of the 5 or 6 adjectives that describe you best.
Then promise not to use them. Adjectives are boring. Or my mother? Why write something that everyone else in the world could write? Come up with a story that illustrates each adjective. A story is finite. And it tells a tale of your behavior in relation to a person you dated in the past. Your thoughts, as always, are greatly appreciated.
Join our conversation Comments. This, ladies, is how to do it! Hi Buck: Out of curiosity, what are the platitudes you see on dating sites that you think are only written to appeal to men? Hi Buck, These conversations always confuse me a bit. KK, Let me take care of your confusion on that.
Thanks for the response, Buck. I appreciate your elaboration. Makes sense. Stacy, I have to respond to that. I think some of these things become self-fulfilling prophecies. Ding, ding, ding!!! HER age: 70 Malika, I am not making this up. Stacy2 said: 7. A deal-breaker. Stacy2, You remind me of a female version of that Obsidian guy that used to comment here.
Stacy, Awww gee, all that and a free psychoanalysis too; what a sweet and thoughtful gift! I love this response. Michelle, I read the book. YAG, Thank you! Marika Men are the inferior gender from an emotional point of view. I am inherently flawed. I am perfectly imperfect. Thanks for answering my question! Callie Karl R pretty much answered the question as to why men maintain sexy-on-standby SOS relationships.
This is how he described it: A sexy on standby is the woman a man calls at the last minute when his date with another woman does not pan out, often for a booty call after dropping off his date.
YAG, Unless you enjoy getting your heart broken, you want to avoid becoming a sexy on standby. YAG, You need to cut both of them loose. I dunno Shaukat - I practice what I preach. They invariably get friend-zoned. I dunno It depends. Shaukat basically said the same thing. I responded to his post. But, in my defense: 1. Many women told me that they wanted to be friends first.
Evan Marc Katz has written four books on dating, drawing on the experiences of his coaching career. The success of his first book, which was reviewed by Time Magazine, followed by a feature in USA Today and a segment on CNN, propelled his profile writing business and .
Then forget about what I said. Sadly, I spent far too much time as a male orbiter, so I can answer that question. Tron, But, with potential hookups, I tend to prefer the breadcrumb approach, just doing enough to keep myself in their head as an option. Emily, In my own case, I care less about results and more about conserving my own time and energy. SS I never kept a sexy-on-standby because I was hurt by a woman. In order with 1 being the greatest reason and 2 being the second greatest and so forth.
Financial Stress 2. Lack of Communication 3. Boredom 4. Is it because to a woman a man is to be strong and stoic? Is a man wanting those things from a woman viewed as less masculine? If so then how does she know that she is actually giving it?
On the first few dates GoWithTheFlow how do you know that a guy desires you? If so then how does a man know that she desires him? Hi Marika, I have only been flirting with online dating for about five weeks. I only had about 35 profile views. I agree with Stacy2 that looks matter more than anything else with online dating even if it is not politically correct to say soHowever, I agree with you and Evan that even if being shallow is human nature, we should still want someone who is trying to be more and is looking for me though I think even the most shallow people honestly believe that they are not shallow.
Just cut him off. Let us know how you go!